Weigh In - October 26, 2012

AND she went down again!  I lost 1.5 more this week for a total of 6!  I am doing really well, keeping really strong and feel skinny as FUCK.  It feels so good.  I doubt it has anything to do with the fact that I was pissing out of my ass for 3 of the 5 days this week.  Stress....what a bitch.

Tonight I am getting dressed up as a sexy captain morgan, going out, and getting shittered with some lovely ladies.  It is going to be a great night.  Tomorrow I am having THE HUT.  For those of you who know me best, you will know that when I eat THE HUT, I mean business.  I have it written on my calendar that it has been over 4 months since I've had it last so you can imagine the excitement emanating through me,  I SOFA KING STOKED.  Ask me monday how I feel though and I'm sure you will get a big "ughhhhhhhhh blaaaaaah".

Next week's weigh-in may not be as successful.  BUT that is life and I am not going to stop doing the things I love to do or eat the things I love to eat.  If I did stop, you may as well shoot me now.  This is part of losing weight and keeping it off.  It is a process of ups and downs, don't forget that.

For those of you who are joining me in the shit show tonight, keep it real ok, cause I know I sure won't.  

PS.  “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

October 19, 2012 - Weigh In

Fuckers...fuckers...fuckers...GUESS WHAT!?  The mother fuckin scale went down! I lost 3 more pounds for a total of 4.5.  I fully and entirely attribute this success to my new "diet".  As you all know the scale was stuck for me.  Not today folks, not today.  Let me tell you about it.

I went over to my beautiful friend Jami's place a few weeks ago and she said "ya, I lost 15 pounds in a month" and I said STFU tell me about it I need a change, so she did.  It is very simple but you must be determined and strong-willed, of course. Nothing great comes without hard work.  I eat 30 grams of protein for breakfast everyday.  That is, skim milk and protein powder, shaker up and chug.  Little or no fruit, I eat maybe one grapefruit cup every couple days.  No sugar.  No dairy unless it's fat free and even if it is fat free, it must be limited. No carbs except for days I work out I have 1 small serving of whole wheat carb, like a pita or Weight Watcher bread,  that's it, and it can never be at night, workout or no workout.  It must be for lunch. Eat a lot of protein though, that is key.  You get one binge day a week.  So far for me it was Saturday.  They encourage you to just go nuts and make it so you feel gross and don't want anymore bad food for awhile and that I did, oh yes, oh yes.  I ate junk until I was massaging my stomach in to the night because it was so sore.  But after that Saturday, back to strict strict business.  Absolutely no cheating. 

So this got me over my plateau and I plan to seriously stick with it for a while and see how skinny I can get.  I am pumped.  It has only been about 10 days since I have started but I feel better, lighter, more energized and am even shitting more regularly!  What more could a girl ask for! "OMG my boyfriend just bought me the most BEAUTIFUL diamond earrings from Tiffany's!!" .... "Ya, well I just took a shit the size of an Anaconda, beat that."   If you have any questions or need more info about this please let me know I would love to discuss it more with you (not the shitting, the diet).

I just got home from my stupid bitch of a doctor's office for my annual check up.  She said "ohh you're lookin' good".  I thought, "no shit I am bitch.  You're lucky you said that".  Did I mention this lady is a bitch?  Or as my mom would call it, "she has no bedside manner". Yes, I noticed that, thank you mother.

My ankle is pretty much 100% better.  It feels great to be back.  Have a good weekend everyone and we will see if I go down again next week!  Wooot woooot.

P.S. Once you go black, you never go back.  Wha whaaat.

Weigh In, October 5, 2012

165.5 today.  I am fucking cheesed.  I have stayed between 167 and 164 since June.  What is it going to take?  I will NOT throw in the towel. I will NOT eat because I am mad.  I have been going at this for almost three years and I will be going at it for the rest of my life. 

I said my ankle wasn't fucked anymore last week.  I was prematurely positive about that.  It is still fucked.  I didn't go to Zumba last night and I felt awful (and still feel awful) about missing it.  Boooooourns to injuries. I did a "tae-bo" ab workout at home instead.  It was a DVD workout video I bought since I couldn't go to Zumba.  It was gay.  I was swearing at the stupid negro man on the screen the whole time. 

Happy note:  A wonderful girl at my work decided to start coming to the gym with me a few weeks ago and just walked in to the office. She came straight to my desk and showed me that the waist around her pants was loose.  She said, "Omg these used to be tight, I am so happy right now".  I am really excited for her and hope she keeps up the good work.  She has given me permission to make her feel guilty when she has excuses to not join me at the gym.  I will keep you posted on her progress.

It is a long weekend and I am looking forward to it, as I know you all are.  On Sunday I will probably eat until I want to barf.  Nice hey?   Take it easy ya'll.

PS.  Sorry I am once again not funny.  And you know what, this is the last time I am going to apologize for not being funny because a girl cannot be funny allll the fucking time OK?

September 28, 2012 - Weigh In

So I gained a god damn pound.  I weighed myself on Wednesday and was 164 and today BAM 166!  Yesterday I was 165.5 so yesterday I'm thinking oh GOD what is up with this, was it the pretzels or the Shake n' Bake that were too salty?  Yesterday I was praying that I take a big shit, you know, at least a 2 pounder to get back to the 164.  By bed time nothing happened so I'm thinking, should I take some XLax and in the morning I will shit my brains out then weigh in?  That is just ridiculous so that didn't happen (plus I didn't want to shit my pants on the LRT).  That scale is such a bitch.  I hate it.  Of course it would have nothing to do with the 115 weight watcher points I consumed last weekend (to put that number in to perspective I usually only have 20 per day) Eeeek!  But if it did, why would I weigh 164 on Wednesday? Fuck, who cares.

Happy Friday everyone!  I need a drink.  It started out at 7:55 am with my boss yelling, as he flicked my ponytail invading my personal space "is that a fucking tramp stamp on your back?!".  Apparently this was the first time in a whole year that I had my hair up with a shirt on low enough in the back to show my tattoo.    This was first thing in the morning, you can imagine how the rest of the day went....DOM

Happy note #1:  I went shopping for a new little dress yesterday because I am going to some lobster shit tomorrow night and want to look TIGHT.  What happened was nothing short of a miracle  (but then it really wasn't because I work hard).  I looked good in every single dress I tried on!  In the past I would buy a dress only because finally one actually fit, no selection what so ever.  Now, WTF I look good in them all and have to choose my favourite.  It felt sooooooo good.  If I would not have experienced this ultra happy feeling last night I would be a helluva lot more pissed off about the scale this morning.  So thank Christ for that.

Happy note #2:  My ankle is 80% better and I went to boot camp twice this week and the most awesome Zumba last night and danced my fucking ass off and it felt so good!  I am back.  It feels so good to be back.  I am scared though now that I can work out hard again that the scale is going to move even less.  Frick!  We will see.

I also realized last night after doing weights, step class, then Zumba, not getting home until 8:00 pm, and then proceeding to make a salad for dinner and then making a healthy lunch for the next day, how much work and dedication it takes to lose weight and be healthy.  No wonder so many people out there are fat.   I am very thankful that I have taught myself to be strong, like warrior.  As it stands today, 1 pound down :( 9 to go.  This might take a while.  

Is there anyone out there who actually wants to lose weight?  I want to help you.

PS.  How do people expect to get anywhere in life if they can't even drive the fucking speed limit?

September 21, 2012 - Weigh In

Ok, so I lost 2 pounds.  However, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought, I can tell.  After losing so much weight it comes off very very slowly.  It is very frustrating, to say the least.  Don't get me wrong, I will try my absolute hardest but don't fuckin judge me on the weeks I gain or stay the same cause a girl has got to live! Especially once I start working out hard again because then I am constantly sore and I weigh more when my muscles are sore.

My ankle is still buggered up and I haven't been able to let off as much steam at the gym as I usually do.  I went last night to Zumba and it was just depressing.  I couldn't jump or bounce or anything of the sort.  I almost cried all the way home.  I miss boot camp and pushing myself to the max. The release of endorphins I get from a nice hard workout sure makes a big difference to my mental health, let me tell you. I am starting to get bitchy and angry all the time. For those of you out there who have no sort of physical ailment, you better get off your lazy fucking asses right now and do something.  As for me, I will keep doing spin and pilates and such and hopefully I will heal soon.  :(  Do not think, though, that I have fallen off the wagon because I am injured, I am still eating well, keeping active and pushing forward!

I am going to the football game tomorrow and have a feeling the amount of alcohol I am going to consume will not be pretty.  Lets do some math, shall we? To warm up, get my buzz on, I will probably consume at least 3 double vodka, club soda with a splash of cran (approximately 360 calories), if you want to drink yet be somewhat strict about calories, this is a good choice.  Then I will be sick of drinking that and I will have a Bud Light (100 cals).  Now I'm at the bar and not really giving a shit about fatness anymore, thirsty as fuck, so I will probably chug a Twisted Tea (200 cals, Fuck me, I know! I just looked this up for the first time, had no idea they had so many calories. No wonder I didn't lose any weight during the summer!!!!!). Then, who wants to do a shot? I do, I do! (probably a rock star 100 cals).  Then I will have another vodka (60 cals).  Then, who wants to do another shot? I do, I do! (jager bomb uh oh 200 cals).  Then a Strongbow (160 cals). Then another bomb (UH OH 200 cals). Then another vodka (60 cals) another shot (100 cals) and I'm thinkin that could be all. So.....lol no seriously I just went through my whole night in my head.  I'm probably missing a few shots but oh well, who's counting? lol, I can't stop laughing!  Ok, so, adding those all up totals 1,540 calories.  Not too bad!  I will honestly try not to drink all of that but shit happens.  We will see how she goes!

So, down 2 pounds, 8 more to go.  If I end up getting shittered I will hopefully have a good story or 2 to share with you.  Not sure how the scale is going to like this next week.  We will see.  Until then, have a good weekend!  Wooot wooot!

PS. I'm sorry I wasn't very funny above.  I just don't feel like making fun of anyone today.  SOMEBODY CALL THE PARAMEDICS!

Pazzo Pazzo

So, I went out for dinner on Friday to a lovely restaurant called Pazzo Pazzo. It is a quiet small restaurant.  Very nice setting for a romantic date.  The food is absolutely delicious there.  If you feel like you deserve a reward because you have been doing really well with the healthy eating this is the place to go. But, if you are still learning, and if having Pazzo Pazzo will make you fall off the wagon and you are not yet strong enough to climb back on, please do not go there.  It is definitely not worth the feeling of failure.

This is what I ate:

Carbonara 

Pasta sautéed with chopped bacon, Italian sausage, mushrooms, garlic, parmesan cheese and eggs. 

Topped with fresh basil. 

This is also what I ate:

Jumbo Pasta Shells 

Six shells stuffed with ricotta cheese and spinach topped with gigi sauce and Mozzarella and Parmesan cheese.

Now I thought everything was all good.  I had some mild stomach pains but no explosive diahrea like I get whenever I eat at BPs.  *Speckles...* The rest of the weekend I didn't seem to notice anything major.

So Monday morning rolls around, I put on my pants and off to work I went.  They were tight.  I was pissed off.  I sat in my chair at work and looked down and my gunt was sticking out.  I kept pulling my shirt down and then every so often, out of the corner of my eye, I would see my gunt trying to pop out again!  WTF! What are you looking at??

Long story short, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.  

I have a man friend who I like and I said to him, "I know you think I'm pretty now but what did you think of me when I was so fat?"  His answer after rolling his eyes because, of course, I am asking a stupid question, "uhhhh I don't know.  I just thought, you are what you eat".  And I thought, "oh snap he's right! He's a genius!"  I ate like a savage beast back then.  Now every time I see a god damn fat person I think "hmmm I wonder what they have been eating to look like that?". Or wait, that's not true, I usually nudge the person I'm with and say, "I wonder what that fat mother fucker has been eating." as I shake my head at them.  God dammit Martha May, put down fried chicken! (for those of you who think I'm going to hell, I will see you there)

Perfect real life example, me eating the Pazzo Pazzo.  I ate it only once (imagine if I ate like that every day, heaven forbid!!), and two days later that shit was still stuck on my body.  I may as well just have taken a knife and smeared that creamy garlicky cheesy bacony sauce straight on to my gut (ok stop drooling).

Anyway, we will see what happens by Friday if I lose any pounds or not.  If I didn't I am bombing fucking Pazzo Pazzo so don't even bother getting excited about going there.

Tip:  every time you want to buy something fatty or sugary to eat because you're craving it soooo bad repeat the mantra in your head 'you are what you eat, you are what you eat'.  Imagine it going straight in to the fat cells on the back of your legs and making them bigger and BIGGER. Picture your cellulite growing and getting lumpier right before your very eyes!  That is what I do. :)

PS.  For those of you who are totally disgusted with the thought of my gunt, don't worry, so am I and that is why it won't be there for long!!!

PPS. "Life isn’t as serious as your mind makes it out to be." - Eckhart Tolle

I'm Back Bitches

Alrighty, well here we go!

So here I am, bored as shit, ready to write!  Summer is pretty much over and so are my weekend benders.  I would work hard to be good and lose weight during the week, sweat my sexy ass off at the gym, only to drink and eat my face off on the weekend and BAM, my weight stays the same.  No more.  It's go time.

I'm sorry I stopped writing but I bought a little place to live and life just got kind of hectic.  That is behind me now.  It's fuckin' go time. Since my last post on here which was in February I have lost only 7 pounds (I now weigh 167 pounds, shhhh don't tell anybody).  However, I have lost inches.  I don't know the exact amount because I don't measure (even though I should) but I know I am shrinking like a mother fucker.  I went to buy a new pair of jeans on the weekend because all of my other pairs are saggy and it looks like someone scared me and I dropped a deuce in them. With that being said, (lol) the jeans were a size 30 waist.  I have not been a size 30 waist since I was 14.  No kidding.  WAY TO GO NILES! Wooot wooot! Thank you. 

I have been keeping up with my exercising although have changed my regime.  I no longer to go kickboxing because I am done with that shit.  It did me well, but the time came to move on.  I now try to do bootcamp at the Y at least 3 times a week along with numerous other spin, zumba, step and pilate classes.  I also try to incorporate running in to my schedule when I can.  I am still exercising a minimum of 5 times per week.

On a side note for this week my ankle is fucked up.  What happened was this: I was walking across the parking lot in Costco when I saw a tiny little girl running to make her way to the door to catch up with her mommy. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge white trailer-trash pickup truck speeding like mad around a curve coming straight for her!  I ran as hard as I could and leaped through the air grabbing and saving the little girl all the while twisting my ankle as I landed with her safe on top of me. JK!  I got fucking wasted from chugging Twisted Teas because I kept losing at Crib and loser chugs (while I was on empty).  I then went to take a leak in the bush, fell in a hole and twisted my ankle.  I then went swimming in the pitch black stumbling along the way and finished er' off by having drunk sex like a porn star. We all know how that goes, don't even lie.

After several days of non-activity I thought my ankle had healed so I went for a long ass run followed the next day with a step class and zumba.  That fucked it right up.  So, this week I am going to do classes where there is not so much direct impact on my ankle.  I will keep you posted on that and the different types of exercise I will be trying and my opinion on them.

Anyway, my goal is to lose 10 pounds by Christmas (so when I gain 10 during Christmas I won't care).  Oh that sounds bad.  Don't worry, I will lose it again. AND THAT MY FRIENDS, you can put your money on.

I will weigh myself every friday and report to you my progress (except fridays when I get my period I will not report because I always weigh more and want to shoot myself in the face).  I will also share some stories, tips, hurdles and anything/everything I can think of to write along the way.  WARNING:  THIS WILL DEFINITELY BE OFFENSIVE. PLEASE DO NOT READ MY BLOG IF IT MEANS YOU WON'T BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE.

If you would like to join me with a goal of your own I would be absolutely euphoric!  For those of you who want to lose some weight but don't know how to get started take a read at my older blog posts.  I have a meal plan up there that I pretty much still stick to and its nearly 8 months later! Please feel free to write and tell me about your goals or ask me any questions and we can help each other along the way.  I look forward to hearing from you!  Muah!

PS.  Why is it that every single fucking time you see a bad driver you just automatically know they're asian?  

Best Caesar Salad Recipe EVER

6 cloves of garlic (or more)

2 1/2 T - lemon juice

1 1/2 T - worcestershire sauce

1/2 T - Dijon mustard

1/2 C - light sour cream

1/4 t - white pepper

3/4 C - olive oil

1 1/2 T - Parmesan cheese

 - Put all of the ingredients in a food processor except the olive oil.  

 - Gradually add the olive oil to the ingredients as they mix.

 - Store extra dressing in an airtight container in the fridge.

This is honestly the best caesar salad dressing ever.  You don't need a large amount either because it is so full of flavour.  Yummmmm....enjoy.

*Note:  If you plan on sucking face, or breathing heavily on someone for some reason unbeknownst to me, do not eat this salad first.  Consider this your warning.

Stay Fat With These Top Ten Excuses

10.  I don't wanna go to the gym because there are dirty indians singing to themselves there.   
FUCK THAT: There are dirty indians everywhere.

9.  I didn't have time to bring a lunch/go grocery shopping so I have no choice but get chinese food.

FUCK THAT:  There is always a sub place, liar.

8.  I have a party/vacation coming up in a few weeks. I will start the Monday after that.

FUCK THAT:  There will always be something coming up.  Start now or never.

7.  I am in a bad mood.  I just want to lay on the couch and eat.

FUCK THAT: Surprisingly enough, working out will make you feel much better in the end. Trust me, I am in a bad mood quite a bit, it works.

6.  I am too busy.

FUCK THAT:  Working out should be your #1 priority.  Fun stuff comes after.

5.  My legs are still sore from working out yesterday.

FUCK THAT:  They won't hurt anymore once you're warm, just try it.

4.  I've eaten bad all week already so I may as well keep going.

FUCK THAT:  Start now.  You have to.

3.  I work out so I can eat whatever I want.

FUCK THAT:  80% of losing weight depends on what you eat, even if you're exercising.

2.  My legs are sore from riding cock all night.

FUCK THAT:  See answer to #5.

 AND NO 1.  I am too tired.

FUCK THAT: Everyone is tired.  Don't be a pussy.

If any of the above are excuses you use, think of this blog every time it happens and make a conscious effort to push yourself through it.  Just do it.

Working-It-Out

Ahhh the always dreaded exercise....

To get started, if you are quite heavy and have a lot of shit that jiggles when you jump around, here is the key.  You need to go get a good, sturdy, sports bra.  It may be expensive but it is worth it to feel comfortable, secure, and not have your big, floppy, fat tits slapping you in the face every time you jump 1/2 and inch off the ground.  Second important thing is a good pair of workout pants.  I find it is a must to have a draw-string in the pants to keep them tight and prevent them from falling down. I don't know what it is with having a big gut, but I find my pants constantly falling down.  Nothing is more irritating than trying to push yourself during a workout and constantly be pulling up your fucking pants.  Thirdly I find I need to wear a headband to be completely ready to go.  I never have to wipe my face or worry about sweat dripping everywhere.  It makes me feel much more comfortable. This could be a personal preference but you should try it.  

Now that we have the outfit down, you need to find something that you actually like to do. You need to find something you LOVE to do.  That you are actually enthusiastic, maybe even excited, about. That is the key to you actually getting off your ass and doing it. This is my story.

I knew I liked group classes better than anything.  There is nothing I dreaded worse than going to the gym and getting on the elliptical for 45 minutes. Totally fucking boring.  So I was going to the YMCA and doing a few step classes or Tae Box classes a week.  This wasn't enough, I wasn't seeing the result I wanted, so I cancelled my membership.

My mom saw an article in the paper for a kickboxing studio in Sherwood Park called Eye of the Storm.  I went there one evening and parked outside.  Through the window I could see the people inside bouncing around and having a grande ole time.  I was so nervous, I felt like I was going to puke and faint.  I hesitated, I didn't want to go in.  So I sat there for a while.  Finally I said, "WHAT THE FUCK JESSICA", went in and to this day I will never regret it.  Kickboxing changed my life.  It is 3 times a week for an hour each time.

After a few months my body started to change.  I got stronger, tighter.  My clothes began to get baggy and loose. I loved the way I felt inside. I began to feel more confident, holding my head a little higher, walking with a slight swagger.  Kickboxing even helped my psychologically as it is an excellent way to relieve stress after a shitty day. Whether you had a rough day at work with the boss, or were fighting with a friend/spouse, after punching shit for an hour, everything just seems better, more clear, you know what the right thing to do is. Another HUGE benefit is that after a kickboxing class I didn't want to eat junk food. The urge to put anything fatty in my mouth was gone. I didn't want to ruin the progress I had made, I was feeling so good. It was then, just over a year after joining KB, that I decided I needed more.

www.eotstorm.com - KB place.  Check it out.

So, I joined the YMCA again.  This club is very convenient for me as there is one located directly across the street from my office downtown making it hard to find excuses not to go. The Y also has a vast array of different classes which I love. I started going to Zumba classes Tuesday and Thursday nights as well as KB Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  As I am a dancer at heart I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ZUMBA.  I find it is a great escape from my sometimes gay, boring life.  I just dance my little heart out and that is it.  


Of course there came days when I would feel too tired after work to exercise, and I would make excuses why I just couldn't go. I was sore, I was exhausted, I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend (whatever douche bag it was at the time) blah blah blah. All of that was part of my inner growth and every time I overcame those obstacles and pushed myself to just get up and go, the easier it became.  Over and over and over, just go, just do it.  I stopped questioning myself with whether I should workout or not. IT WAS NO LONGER AN OPTION.  Working out was my number one priority. Do not fool yourself though.  It takes A LONG TIME to get to this point, and a lot of dedication. In any event, my clothes continued to get baggier (I was buying new pants every 3 months) and my confidence increased steadily with each workout. My motivation to do more, to push harder overcame me. 

As of today my exercise routine is to do some form of physical activity 8-10 times per week, 6 days a week, and it is as follows:

Monday

Noon: Strength Class at the Y

Evening: Kickboxing

Tuesday

Noon: Pilates 

Evening: Run on treadmill for 30 mins + Zumba

Wednesday

Noon: Fusion (pilates and yoga mixed together)

Evening: Kickboxing

Thursday

Evening: Weights + Step Class + Zumba

Friday

Noon: Zumba

Evening: Kickboxing

Saturday

Morning: Zumba

Sunday

Sit on my ass all day and watch Hell's Kitchen torturing myself with all of the yummy things they are cooking

I have been sticking to this routine for about 7 weeks now and have really noticed a difference of strength in my core region since incorporating the pilates classes. I couldn't even do 1/2 a pilates pushup and now I can do 5. I highly highly recommend it to anyone.  I plan to continue with these classes for as long as I can and continue to shrink my waist as that is my biggest problem area. 


My next plan is to incorporate more weight lifting and running into my routine as I am hitting a plateau and know I need to kick it up a notch.  I don't like to do those things as much so this will be hard for me.  But there is no doubt in my mind that if I want it bad enough, I can do it.

Great Benefits of Being Skinny(ier) #1

Lose a little weight, gain a little confidence, do a couple stretches, do a few squats and become...the little engine that could.  Could what, you may ask?  Answer: 3 words, Me-On-Top.


*NOTE:  MOM YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE.


Before I lost weight I would NEVER get on top. "Common hun, missionary again, I'm sorry I can't do it, pleeeeeease" I would say.  I was insecure. I didn't want him looking at me, looking at my shit blobbing and bouncing all over.  That was then...


Thanks to a few helpful hints and demonstrations from my gf Sara (the pro) on the positioning and angle of my torso, the back and forth, up and down movement of my hips, I am now the champion stick rider of the world!! Take that! Shaaaaawing!


Your man will find your new found confidence, not to mention your muscular thighs, extremely sexy.  Quite honestly, he will cream his fucking pants. HOWEVER, you must not let this happen.  You must talk about his mom, with the luffa, naked in the shower. Because we need it to last and we need IT hard.  Seriously ladies if you've never had a BIG "O" from grindin' the shaft, you are missing out.


Now if that isn't enough motivation to drop some pounds, I don't know what is.  

Food....aka Crack

I refer to food as crack because there was a point in my life that I was addicted to it the way someone is addicted to cocaine.  I knew it wasn't good for me, I knew I would feel like complete shit after but I could not stop myself from eating.  I would crave pizza to the point that I felt as if I would explode if I didn't eat it.  Like the only thing in this world that would make me happy is eating that pizza. So I would, I would eat the whole thing, because I wanted to feel happy.  After I was done I felt so awful inside, like such a failure to myself, that I would just put my head down and cry.  I cried so many times. What the fuck is wrong with me?  What have I become?  I am so fucking sick of feeling like this. Deep down inside I knew I was stronger than that.  I knew I could change...


I had been in and out of Weight Watchers since I was literally 16 years old.  Lost some weight, gained it back, story of my life.  I tried counting my calories, that didn't work. I tried LA Weight Loss but that didn't work either. When I hit my "rock bottom" I thought I would try Weight Watchers one last time.    So in I went to the meetings for a while but obviously, that got a little boring.  I stopped going to meetings but was determined like I've never been determined before. I continued to follow their system very carefully and still do 2 years later. I write down every single thing that I eat, everyday.  I've seen now that Weight Watchers has an online thing so you could join for a few weeks and once you get the hang of it and get all of their materials you could begin doing it on your own.  Weight Watchers allows you to eat the bad food once in a while which I find is extremely important to long-term success. www.weightwatchers.ca  If this is something you are willing to consider, I would definitely check it out.


What has worked for me is to eat very healthy during the week and then plan for a special meal usually on Saturday night for something delicious that I have been craving.  I DO NOT GIVE IN TO CRAVINGS. That is the key, you need to be in control. If there is something I really want to eat, I plan for it.  I do not just shovel it into my face the moment I want it. I do not let food control me, I control it.  This is something that is VERY important to get a grip on.


The following is a sample of what I eat in a normal week.  I very very rarely stray from these foods.


Monday
Breakfast: 1 cup milk - 2 scoops protein powder - 2 frozen strawberries - 1/2 a frozen banana

Snack: 10:00 amish - fruit (lately I am totally hooked on these Delmonte Grapefruit fruit cups ) They are sofa king good.
Lunch: 1 can flaked white tuna, 1 tablespoon light miracle whip, mustard and a dill pickle chopped up.  Mix it all together. - 2 rice cakes (put the tuna salad on the rice cakes. Yummmmmy) - veggies (2 or 3 portions)
Snack: 4:00 or 5:00 pmish (1/2 an hour to an hour before workout) 1/2 a protein bar - apple (Apples are very good to eat before a workout because of the type of carbohydrates they are composed of.  They release energy at a slower rater throughout your workout vs. complex sugars which burn really fast)
Dinner: 3 ounces stir fried chicken - 1/2 cup brown rice - veggies. My favorite seasoning to put on brown rice and stir fried veggies is called Club House Roasted Garlic & Peppers.  It makes anything taste good. 


*Make a lot of extra chicken so you can have it for lunch and even dinner again the next day.

THAT'S IT.  NO SNACKING AFTER DINNER. ALL WEEK. END OF STORY.

Tuesday

Breakfast: 2 eggs - 1/2 cup of egg whites, scrambled

Snack: Fruit cup

Lunch: Left over chicken stir fry from Monday's dinner

Snack: 8 mini rice cakes - 1 cup skim milk with small squirt of chocolate milk mix

Dinner: Frozen piece of fish baked in oven, baked french fries.  Make sure you have portion control with the fries.  Check the nutrition guide on the back and only have that size serving. Bean salad (I will provide the recipe for this at a later date)


Wednesday
Breakfast: 1 cup milk - 2 scoops protein powder - 2 frozen strawberries - 1/2 a frozen banana
Snack: fruit cup
Lunch: 1 wholewheat pita with 1 tablespoon light miracle whip, mustard, turkey breast (from the deli), and fresh cucumbers.  I find it  tastes better if you put the cucumbers in a baggy and then put them in your pita right before you eat it. - Veggies (2 or 3 portions) 
Snack: 1/2 protein bar - apple 
Dinner: Chicken breast, shit load of green beans, 1/2 cup brown rice.


Thursday
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/2 cup egg whites - scrambled
Snack: fruit cup
Lunch: Big huge salad with cucumbers (clearly I really like cucumbers), 4 ounces of chicken (leftover from dinner last night).  It is important that if you are only having a salad for a meal you MUST have some protein with it. (chicken or boiled eggs are my favs)
Snack: 8 mini rice cakes - 1 cup skim milk with small squirt of chocolate milk mix
Dinner: 1 1/2 cups of whole wheat pasta, 1/2 cup tomato based sauce - Caesar salad (I will soon post the recipe for the most awesome caesar salad dressing recipe which is also low in fat, stay tooned)


Friday
Breakfast: 1 cup milk - 2 scoops protein powder - 2 frozen strawberries - 1/2 a frozen banana
Snack: fruit cup
Lunch: 1 wholewheat pita with 1 tablespoon light miracle whip, mustard, turkey breast (from the deli), and fresh cucumbers.  - Veggies
Snack: 1/2 protein bar - apple
Dinner: One of those smart choice microwavable dinners


Weekends are a bit more varied when it comes to my menu. So the following is just a sample of many. You will notice I am more lenient when it comes to fat and calorie content.  For example on Saturday I eat cheese HOWEVER CHEESE IS VERY BAD, accordingly you will notice that THE INTAKE OF CHEESE IS LIMITED TO SATURDAY ONLY! If you wonder why you are not fitting in your clothes guaranteed you eat TO MUCH FUCKING CHEESE!


Saturday
Breakfast: 1 cup high fiber cereal - 1 cup milk
Lunch: sandwhich - whole wheat french bread - light cream cheese - light ranch dressing - cucumbers - lettuce - tomatoes
Dinner: whatever the fuck I am craving that day.  Usually pizza or pasta
Treat:  whatever the fuck I have been craving all week.  Sometimes ice cream, sometimes white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, sometimes creamy dill chips
Drinks: Vanilla Vodka and DIET coke.  2 or 3. Another lighter choice which I like is Vodka, club soda and a splash of cranberry juice. Or light beer is ok.  But just a couple.
*Note - do not think you can consume 10 jager bombs and 15 drinks in one night and lose weight that week, even if it is just Saturday night.  Although the best of us (myself included) do need to have these benders once in a while, do not expect to see a lower number on the scale that week, it won't happen. 


Sunday
Breakfast: 2 slices french toast (whole wheat bread, of course) - 3 slices of bacon.  Sometimes eggs as well.
Dinner: Taco salad (or something else that is fun to cook, perhaps a recipe that you want to try but don't have time to cook during the week).  Please note that this meal is NOT like Saturday night's meal.  You must still be very contientious of what you are putting in your mouth.


These are my weekends and as you can see I allow myself to be treated.  I find this is a big part in my success of losing the weight AND KEEPING IT OFF.  If you do not treat yourself once in a while you will be miserable and ultimately fail by falling off the wagon and never getting back on. You will also notice that I do not drink very much.  If you are serious about losing weight, you seriously need to limit your alcohol intake. 


Some last, and very basic, pointers that you MUST incorporate are as follows:

• Stay away from anything creamy.  No creamy salad dressing, no creamy soup, no creamy pasta sauce.
• Stay away from cheese.  If you feel you absolutely cannot go a week without cheese, chose a light/mild cheese, and just have a little bit.
• Do not eat anything white.  No white pasta, no white bread, no white rice.  When you eat white pasta or bread it is like paper mache in your stomach.  Water and flour mixed together, a thick paste that just sticks there and is hard for your body to digest.
• Stay away from fast food joints.  If you have no choice but have fast food chose a sub or pita place and get chicken breast or turkey, loads of veggies.  No cheese, light mayo!

That's all for now folks. Keep fit and have fun!

Newsflash...

This just in! Those stupid fucking fat blocking pills do not work.  I do not care if they show you a little science experiment with some oil in a glass of water being absorbed into little bubbles then magically falling away.  It's bullshit. I've tried them. I know it is simply a huge waste of money. Some brands may say change your diet, eat lots of chicken and lots of green vegetables, take these pills and watch the pounds melt away. Well supposing you are not stupid you will know that its obviously your change in diet thats making you lose weight, not the fucking pills.


There are also those that claim you don't have to change anything about your diet.  "Eat all you want and take these!" These pills state that before the fat is carried through the bloodstream  between 20 to 30% of it will be engulfed by these "special enzymes" causing it to no longer be absorbable into the cells and you will shit it out. So lets do the math.   20 to 30% of 50 grams of fat (regular poutine from New York Fries) is still around 37 grams of fat which is more than you should be eating for the entire day. Even with taking the magic pill all that fat will still add to your cellulite. Get it? Ya ok then, STFU.  

This sex kitten used fat blocking pills
to lose weight.  They worked wonders,
can't you tell?

This product's market is obviously targeted towards 1 of 2 kinds of women.  Those who were skinny their whole lives and have now popped out some kids, lost their metabolism, put on weight and don't know how to deal with it. Or, there are those chunkers with no metabolism, heavy since the day they submerged from the big V, who constantly complain about being soooo fat but are never willing to do anything about it.  "Oh I hate being so fat! It's not fair!", says Marie Jo with a pouty face as she shoves the last piece of her donair pizza into her mouth.  Get a fucking grip Marie Jo, put the pizza down!


These people are totally uneducated when it comes to health and nutrition.  They are oblivious to the fact that you actually have to DO something.  That you have got to make a change in your lifestyle and actually stop eating all the fast food. No magic pills will work, period.

As my friend Nicole would say, "like, WTF is wrong with these people? Nothing works except good, old-fashion hard work".  Well said Nicole, well said.  So, next time you hear someone talking about "these awesome pills I'm taking, you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight!" please point your finger in their face and tell them they are fucking retarded.

The Goal (no I am not talking about reaching orgasm. Get your minds out of the gutter)

5 pounds per month ("5 PPM").  Simple as that.  Excluding those of you who are super heavy and have really neglected to take care of yourselves and smell like moldy blue cheese, you are a different case, send me a message and we will discuss a goal for you.


In my experience to say, "yaaa gotta lose 80 pounds" sounds very unrealistic and unattainable. Just a fantasy that will probably never happen in this life time.  In the past I would lose 10 or 13 pounds and state the obvious, "FUCK THIS, I've worked hard enough, there is no way I can lose 70 more". OMG 70 more! And that would be the end, it would all pile back on.  Even 20 or 30 pounds to lose may seem like a tremendous hurdle to many.  This is where my little trick of 5 PPM comes into play.


When your mind it set to, "ok 2 pounds this week, that's all, I CAN DO THIS!" every single time you go to put that white chocolate macadamia nut cookie into your mouth, you will definitely think twice and maybe even put the cookie down. Versus, "ok I have to lose 50 pounds by June" no big deal if I eat this fetticini alfredo with jalapenos baked with cheese today because I still have 5 months to lose the weight.  Wrong Mother Fucker.  You eat that today, and what's it gonna be tomorrow? What excuse are you going to have? NO MORE GDAMN EXCUSES.  You absolutely must do it for today.  You must think short term, baby steps. I'm not fucking kidding either. Think about it.


So as of right now, a new month is upon us and I am going to lose 5 pounds by the end of it.  WHO'S WITH ME?  It will be hard for me as these are my last pesky pounds but God give me strength (no I am not a fucking bible thumper I just believe that there may be something out there that can give me crazy amounts of strength) I will try my darndest. Then March will arrive and whether I have lost 3, 4 or 5 sweet ass pounds, I will start over.  5 more pounds in March, easy as pie, I can do this.  If you are willing to try, you can do it too.  No problem.  Just imagine that floppy gunt (aka FUPA) slowly getting smaller, beginning to disappear. Who's that girl with the low hangin' gunt? Not me! Not me!


*Note - for those of you who are not familiar (my guess would be that you are old) with some of my choice vocabulary you may find this website useful, it will give you a helpful meaning for the word. www.urbandictionary.com


I find that a lot of people are unsuccessful in reaching their fitness/weight loss goals because they don't see those immediate results.  We like immediate gratification and if we don't get it, game over.  This is something that you have to get over and train your mind to overcome.  You MUST train yourself to be patient  for it will take AT LEAST one month of sticking to your plan to start seeing and/or feeling better. All good things take time, and this my friends, is one that takes a lot of it.  You MUST keep on truckin'.  You are a warrior, you are strong, and you will WIN this fight.  Remember, only 5 pounds this month, that's it.


Now get up off your fat fucking ass and go do something that makes you sweaty and for the love of Christ don't eat anything creamy.