Best Caesar Salad Recipe EVER

6 cloves of garlic (or more)

2 1/2 T - lemon juice

1 1/2 T - worcestershire sauce

1/2 T - Dijon mustard

1/2 C - light sour cream

1/4 t - white pepper

3/4 C - olive oil

1 1/2 T - Parmesan cheese

 - Put all of the ingredients in a food processor except the olive oil.  

 - Gradually add the olive oil to the ingredients as they mix.

 - Store extra dressing in an airtight container in the fridge.

This is honestly the best caesar salad dressing ever.  You don't need a large amount either because it is so full of flavour.  Yummmmm....enjoy.

*Note:  If you plan on sucking face, or breathing heavily on someone for some reason unbeknownst to me, do not eat this salad first.  Consider this your warning.

Stay Fat With These Top Ten Excuses

10.  I don't wanna go to the gym because there are dirty indians singing to themselves there.   
FUCK THAT: There are dirty indians everywhere.

9.  I didn't have time to bring a lunch/go grocery shopping so I have no choice but get chinese food.

FUCK THAT:  There is always a sub place, liar.

8.  I have a party/vacation coming up in a few weeks. I will start the Monday after that.

FUCK THAT:  There will always be something coming up.  Start now or never.

7.  I am in a bad mood.  I just want to lay on the couch and eat.

FUCK THAT: Surprisingly enough, working out will make you feel much better in the end. Trust me, I am in a bad mood quite a bit, it works.

6.  I am too busy.

FUCK THAT:  Working out should be your #1 priority.  Fun stuff comes after.

5.  My legs are still sore from working out yesterday.

FUCK THAT:  They won't hurt anymore once you're warm, just try it.

4.  I've eaten bad all week already so I may as well keep going.

FUCK THAT:  Start now.  You have to.

3.  I work out so I can eat whatever I want.

FUCK THAT:  80% of losing weight depends on what you eat, even if you're exercising.

2.  My legs are sore from riding cock all night.

FUCK THAT:  See answer to #5.

 AND NO 1.  I am too tired.

FUCK THAT: Everyone is tired.  Don't be a pussy.

If any of the above are excuses you use, think of this blog every time it happens and make a conscious effort to push yourself through it.  Just do it.

Working-It-Out

Ahhh the always dreaded exercise....

To get started, if you are quite heavy and have a lot of shit that jiggles when you jump around, here is the key.  You need to go get a good, sturdy, sports bra.  It may be expensive but it is worth it to feel comfortable, secure, and not have your big, floppy, fat tits slapping you in the face every time you jump 1/2 and inch off the ground.  Second important thing is a good pair of workout pants.  I find it is a must to have a draw-string in the pants to keep them tight and prevent them from falling down. I don't know what it is with having a big gut, but I find my pants constantly falling down.  Nothing is more irritating than trying to push yourself during a workout and constantly be pulling up your fucking pants.  Thirdly I find I need to wear a headband to be completely ready to go.  I never have to wipe my face or worry about sweat dripping everywhere.  It makes me feel much more comfortable. This could be a personal preference but you should try it.  

Now that we have the outfit down, you need to find something that you actually like to do. You need to find something you LOVE to do.  That you are actually enthusiastic, maybe even excited, about. That is the key to you actually getting off your ass and doing it. This is my story.

I knew I liked group classes better than anything.  There is nothing I dreaded worse than going to the gym and getting on the elliptical for 45 minutes. Totally fucking boring.  So I was going to the YMCA and doing a few step classes or Tae Box classes a week.  This wasn't enough, I wasn't seeing the result I wanted, so I cancelled my membership.

My mom saw an article in the paper for a kickboxing studio in Sherwood Park called Eye of the Storm.  I went there one evening and parked outside.  Through the window I could see the people inside bouncing around and having a grande ole time.  I was so nervous, I felt like I was going to puke and faint.  I hesitated, I didn't want to go in.  So I sat there for a while.  Finally I said, "WHAT THE FUCK JESSICA", went in and to this day I will never regret it.  Kickboxing changed my life.  It is 3 times a week for an hour each time.

After a few months my body started to change.  I got stronger, tighter.  My clothes began to get baggy and loose. I loved the way I felt inside. I began to feel more confident, holding my head a little higher, walking with a slight swagger.  Kickboxing even helped my psychologically as it is an excellent way to relieve stress after a shitty day. Whether you had a rough day at work with the boss, or were fighting with a friend/spouse, after punching shit for an hour, everything just seems better, more clear, you know what the right thing to do is. Another HUGE benefit is that after a kickboxing class I didn't want to eat junk food. The urge to put anything fatty in my mouth was gone. I didn't want to ruin the progress I had made, I was feeling so good. It was then, just over a year after joining KB, that I decided I needed more.

www.eotstorm.com - KB place.  Check it out.

So, I joined the YMCA again.  This club is very convenient for me as there is one located directly across the street from my office downtown making it hard to find excuses not to go. The Y also has a vast array of different classes which I love. I started going to Zumba classes Tuesday and Thursday nights as well as KB Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  As I am a dancer at heart I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ZUMBA.  I find it is a great escape from my sometimes gay, boring life.  I just dance my little heart out and that is it.  


Of course there came days when I would feel too tired after work to exercise, and I would make excuses why I just couldn't go. I was sore, I was exhausted, I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend (whatever douche bag it was at the time) blah blah blah. All of that was part of my inner growth and every time I overcame those obstacles and pushed myself to just get up and go, the easier it became.  Over and over and over, just go, just do it.  I stopped questioning myself with whether I should workout or not. IT WAS NO LONGER AN OPTION.  Working out was my number one priority. Do not fool yourself though.  It takes A LONG TIME to get to this point, and a lot of dedication. In any event, my clothes continued to get baggier (I was buying new pants every 3 months) and my confidence increased steadily with each workout. My motivation to do more, to push harder overcame me. 

As of today my exercise routine is to do some form of physical activity 8-10 times per week, 6 days a week, and it is as follows:

Monday

Noon: Strength Class at the Y

Evening: Kickboxing

Tuesday

Noon: Pilates 

Evening: Run on treadmill for 30 mins + Zumba

Wednesday

Noon: Fusion (pilates and yoga mixed together)

Evening: Kickboxing

Thursday

Evening: Weights + Step Class + Zumba

Friday

Noon: Zumba

Evening: Kickboxing

Saturday

Morning: Zumba

Sunday

Sit on my ass all day and watch Hell's Kitchen torturing myself with all of the yummy things they are cooking

I have been sticking to this routine for about 7 weeks now and have really noticed a difference of strength in my core region since incorporating the pilates classes. I couldn't even do 1/2 a pilates pushup and now I can do 5. I highly highly recommend it to anyone.  I plan to continue with these classes for as long as I can and continue to shrink my waist as that is my biggest problem area. 


My next plan is to incorporate more weight lifting and running into my routine as I am hitting a plateau and know I need to kick it up a notch.  I don't like to do those things as much so this will be hard for me.  But there is no doubt in my mind that if I want it bad enough, I can do it.

Great Benefits of Being Skinny(ier) #1

Lose a little weight, gain a little confidence, do a couple stretches, do a few squats and become...the little engine that could.  Could what, you may ask?  Answer: 3 words, Me-On-Top.


*NOTE:  MOM YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE.


Before I lost weight I would NEVER get on top. "Common hun, missionary again, I'm sorry I can't do it, pleeeeeease" I would say.  I was insecure. I didn't want him looking at me, looking at my shit blobbing and bouncing all over.  That was then...


Thanks to a few helpful hints and demonstrations from my gf Sara (the pro) on the positioning and angle of my torso, the back and forth, up and down movement of my hips, I am now the champion stick rider of the world!! Take that! Shaaaaawing!


Your man will find your new found confidence, not to mention your muscular thighs, extremely sexy.  Quite honestly, he will cream his fucking pants. HOWEVER, you must not let this happen.  You must talk about his mom, with the luffa, naked in the shower. Because we need it to last and we need IT hard.  Seriously ladies if you've never had a BIG "O" from grindin' the shaft, you are missing out.


Now if that isn't enough motivation to drop some pounds, I don't know what is.  

Food....aka Crack

I refer to food as crack because there was a point in my life that I was addicted to it the way someone is addicted to cocaine.  I knew it wasn't good for me, I knew I would feel like complete shit after but I could not stop myself from eating.  I would crave pizza to the point that I felt as if I would explode if I didn't eat it.  Like the only thing in this world that would make me happy is eating that pizza. So I would, I would eat the whole thing, because I wanted to feel happy.  After I was done I felt so awful inside, like such a failure to myself, that I would just put my head down and cry.  I cried so many times. What the fuck is wrong with me?  What have I become?  I am so fucking sick of feeling like this. Deep down inside I knew I was stronger than that.  I knew I could change...


I had been in and out of Weight Watchers since I was literally 16 years old.  Lost some weight, gained it back, story of my life.  I tried counting my calories, that didn't work. I tried LA Weight Loss but that didn't work either. When I hit my "rock bottom" I thought I would try Weight Watchers one last time.    So in I went to the meetings for a while but obviously, that got a little boring.  I stopped going to meetings but was determined like I've never been determined before. I continued to follow their system very carefully and still do 2 years later. I write down every single thing that I eat, everyday.  I've seen now that Weight Watchers has an online thing so you could join for a few weeks and once you get the hang of it and get all of their materials you could begin doing it on your own.  Weight Watchers allows you to eat the bad food once in a while which I find is extremely important to long-term success. www.weightwatchers.ca  If this is something you are willing to consider, I would definitely check it out.


What has worked for me is to eat very healthy during the week and then plan for a special meal usually on Saturday night for something delicious that I have been craving.  I DO NOT GIVE IN TO CRAVINGS. That is the key, you need to be in control. If there is something I really want to eat, I plan for it.  I do not just shovel it into my face the moment I want it. I do not let food control me, I control it.  This is something that is VERY important to get a grip on.


The following is a sample of what I eat in a normal week.  I very very rarely stray from these foods.


Monday
Breakfast: 1 cup milk - 2 scoops protein powder - 2 frozen strawberries - 1/2 a frozen banana

Snack: 10:00 amish - fruit (lately I am totally hooked on these Delmonte Grapefruit fruit cups ) They are sofa king good.
Lunch: 1 can flaked white tuna, 1 tablespoon light miracle whip, mustard and a dill pickle chopped up.  Mix it all together. - 2 rice cakes (put the tuna salad on the rice cakes. Yummmmmy) - veggies (2 or 3 portions)
Snack: 4:00 or 5:00 pmish (1/2 an hour to an hour before workout) 1/2 a protein bar - apple (Apples are very good to eat before a workout because of the type of carbohydrates they are composed of.  They release energy at a slower rater throughout your workout vs. complex sugars which burn really fast)
Dinner: 3 ounces stir fried chicken - 1/2 cup brown rice - veggies. My favorite seasoning to put on brown rice and stir fried veggies is called Club House Roasted Garlic & Peppers.  It makes anything taste good. 


*Make a lot of extra chicken so you can have it for lunch and even dinner again the next day.

THAT'S IT.  NO SNACKING AFTER DINNER. ALL WEEK. END OF STORY.

Tuesday

Breakfast: 2 eggs - 1/2 cup of egg whites, scrambled

Snack: Fruit cup

Lunch: Left over chicken stir fry from Monday's dinner

Snack: 8 mini rice cakes - 1 cup skim milk with small squirt of chocolate milk mix

Dinner: Frozen piece of fish baked in oven, baked french fries.  Make sure you have portion control with the fries.  Check the nutrition guide on the back and only have that size serving. Bean salad (I will provide the recipe for this at a later date)


Wednesday
Breakfast: 1 cup milk - 2 scoops protein powder - 2 frozen strawberries - 1/2 a frozen banana
Snack: fruit cup
Lunch: 1 wholewheat pita with 1 tablespoon light miracle whip, mustard, turkey breast (from the deli), and fresh cucumbers.  I find it  tastes better if you put the cucumbers in a baggy and then put them in your pita right before you eat it. - Veggies (2 or 3 portions) 
Snack: 1/2 protein bar - apple 
Dinner: Chicken breast, shit load of green beans, 1/2 cup brown rice.


Thursday
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/2 cup egg whites - scrambled
Snack: fruit cup
Lunch: Big huge salad with cucumbers (clearly I really like cucumbers), 4 ounces of chicken (leftover from dinner last night).  It is important that if you are only having a salad for a meal you MUST have some protein with it. (chicken or boiled eggs are my favs)
Snack: 8 mini rice cakes - 1 cup skim milk with small squirt of chocolate milk mix
Dinner: 1 1/2 cups of whole wheat pasta, 1/2 cup tomato based sauce - Caesar salad (I will soon post the recipe for the most awesome caesar salad dressing recipe which is also low in fat, stay tooned)


Friday
Breakfast: 1 cup milk - 2 scoops protein powder - 2 frozen strawberries - 1/2 a frozen banana
Snack: fruit cup
Lunch: 1 wholewheat pita with 1 tablespoon light miracle whip, mustard, turkey breast (from the deli), and fresh cucumbers.  - Veggies
Snack: 1/2 protein bar - apple
Dinner: One of those smart choice microwavable dinners


Weekends are a bit more varied when it comes to my menu. So the following is just a sample of many. You will notice I am more lenient when it comes to fat and calorie content.  For example on Saturday I eat cheese HOWEVER CHEESE IS VERY BAD, accordingly you will notice that THE INTAKE OF CHEESE IS LIMITED TO SATURDAY ONLY! If you wonder why you are not fitting in your clothes guaranteed you eat TO MUCH FUCKING CHEESE!


Saturday
Breakfast: 1 cup high fiber cereal - 1 cup milk
Lunch: sandwhich - whole wheat french bread - light cream cheese - light ranch dressing - cucumbers - lettuce - tomatoes
Dinner: whatever the fuck I am craving that day.  Usually pizza or pasta
Treat:  whatever the fuck I have been craving all week.  Sometimes ice cream, sometimes white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, sometimes creamy dill chips
Drinks: Vanilla Vodka and DIET coke.  2 or 3. Another lighter choice which I like is Vodka, club soda and a splash of cranberry juice. Or light beer is ok.  But just a couple.
*Note - do not think you can consume 10 jager bombs and 15 drinks in one night and lose weight that week, even if it is just Saturday night.  Although the best of us (myself included) do need to have these benders once in a while, do not expect to see a lower number on the scale that week, it won't happen. 


Sunday
Breakfast: 2 slices french toast (whole wheat bread, of course) - 3 slices of bacon.  Sometimes eggs as well.
Dinner: Taco salad (or something else that is fun to cook, perhaps a recipe that you want to try but don't have time to cook during the week).  Please note that this meal is NOT like Saturday night's meal.  You must still be very contientious of what you are putting in your mouth.


These are my weekends and as you can see I allow myself to be treated.  I find this is a big part in my success of losing the weight AND KEEPING IT OFF.  If you do not treat yourself once in a while you will be miserable and ultimately fail by falling off the wagon and never getting back on. You will also notice that I do not drink very much.  If you are serious about losing weight, you seriously need to limit your alcohol intake. 


Some last, and very basic, pointers that you MUST incorporate are as follows:

• Stay away from anything creamy.  No creamy salad dressing, no creamy soup, no creamy pasta sauce.
• Stay away from cheese.  If you feel you absolutely cannot go a week without cheese, chose a light/mild cheese, and just have a little bit.
• Do not eat anything white.  No white pasta, no white bread, no white rice.  When you eat white pasta or bread it is like paper mache in your stomach.  Water and flour mixed together, a thick paste that just sticks there and is hard for your body to digest.
• Stay away from fast food joints.  If you have no choice but have fast food chose a sub or pita place and get chicken breast or turkey, loads of veggies.  No cheese, light mayo!

That's all for now folks. Keep fit and have fun!

Newsflash...

This just in! Those stupid fucking fat blocking pills do not work.  I do not care if they show you a little science experiment with some oil in a glass of water being absorbed into little bubbles then magically falling away.  It's bullshit. I've tried them. I know it is simply a huge waste of money. Some brands may say change your diet, eat lots of chicken and lots of green vegetables, take these pills and watch the pounds melt away. Well supposing you are not stupid you will know that its obviously your change in diet thats making you lose weight, not the fucking pills.


There are also those that claim you don't have to change anything about your diet.  "Eat all you want and take these!" These pills state that before the fat is carried through the bloodstream  between 20 to 30% of it will be engulfed by these "special enzymes" causing it to no longer be absorbable into the cells and you will shit it out. So lets do the math.   20 to 30% of 50 grams of fat (regular poutine from New York Fries) is still around 37 grams of fat which is more than you should be eating for the entire day. Even with taking the magic pill all that fat will still add to your cellulite. Get it? Ya ok then, STFU.  

This sex kitten used fat blocking pills
to lose weight.  They worked wonders,
can't you tell?

This product's market is obviously targeted towards 1 of 2 kinds of women.  Those who were skinny their whole lives and have now popped out some kids, lost their metabolism, put on weight and don't know how to deal with it. Or, there are those chunkers with no metabolism, heavy since the day they submerged from the big V, who constantly complain about being soooo fat but are never willing to do anything about it.  "Oh I hate being so fat! It's not fair!", says Marie Jo with a pouty face as she shoves the last piece of her donair pizza into her mouth.  Get a fucking grip Marie Jo, put the pizza down!


These people are totally uneducated when it comes to health and nutrition.  They are oblivious to the fact that you actually have to DO something.  That you have got to make a change in your lifestyle and actually stop eating all the fast food. No magic pills will work, period.

As my friend Nicole would say, "like, WTF is wrong with these people? Nothing works except good, old-fashion hard work".  Well said Nicole, well said.  So, next time you hear someone talking about "these awesome pills I'm taking, you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight!" please point your finger in their face and tell them they are fucking retarded.