The Goal (no I am not talking about reaching orgasm. Get your minds out of the gutter)

5 pounds per month ("5 PPM").  Simple as that.  Excluding those of you who are super heavy and have really neglected to take care of yourselves and smell like moldy blue cheese, you are a different case, send me a message and we will discuss a goal for you.


In my experience to say, "yaaa gotta lose 80 pounds" sounds very unrealistic and unattainable. Just a fantasy that will probably never happen in this life time.  In the past I would lose 10 or 13 pounds and state the obvious, "FUCK THIS, I've worked hard enough, there is no way I can lose 70 more". OMG 70 more! And that would be the end, it would all pile back on.  Even 20 or 30 pounds to lose may seem like a tremendous hurdle to many.  This is where my little trick of 5 PPM comes into play.


When your mind it set to, "ok 2 pounds this week, that's all, I CAN DO THIS!" every single time you go to put that white chocolate macadamia nut cookie into your mouth, you will definitely think twice and maybe even put the cookie down. Versus, "ok I have to lose 50 pounds by June" no big deal if I eat this fetticini alfredo with jalapenos baked with cheese today because I still have 5 months to lose the weight.  Wrong Mother Fucker.  You eat that today, and what's it gonna be tomorrow? What excuse are you going to have? NO MORE GDAMN EXCUSES.  You absolutely must do it for today.  You must think short term, baby steps. I'm not fucking kidding either. Think about it.


So as of right now, a new month is upon us and I am going to lose 5 pounds by the end of it.  WHO'S WITH ME?  It will be hard for me as these are my last pesky pounds but God give me strength (no I am not a fucking bible thumper I just believe that there may be something out there that can give me crazy amounts of strength) I will try my darndest. Then March will arrive and whether I have lost 3, 4 or 5 sweet ass pounds, I will start over.  5 more pounds in March, easy as pie, I can do this.  If you are willing to try, you can do it too.  No problem.  Just imagine that floppy gunt (aka FUPA) slowly getting smaller, beginning to disappear. Who's that girl with the low hangin' gunt? Not me! Not me!


*Note - for those of you who are not familiar (my guess would be that you are old) with some of my choice vocabulary you may find this website useful, it will give you a helpful meaning for the word. www.urbandictionary.com


I find that a lot of people are unsuccessful in reaching their fitness/weight loss goals because they don't see those immediate results.  We like immediate gratification and if we don't get it, game over.  This is something that you have to get over and train your mind to overcome.  You MUST train yourself to be patient  for it will take AT LEAST one month of sticking to your plan to start seeing and/or feeling better. All good things take time, and this my friends, is one that takes a lot of it.  You MUST keep on truckin'.  You are a warrior, you are strong, and you will WIN this fight.  Remember, only 5 pounds this month, that's it.


Now get up off your fat fucking ass and go do something that makes you sweaty and for the love of Christ don't eat anything creamy.

Introducing...My First Blaaaaawg

First and foremost, for the love of God, step away from the fucking McDonalds.  It is nasty and will just sit in your stomach undigested for 3 days before it works its way through your system and goes straight to your fat cells making your cellulite even more prominent than it already was. It will also radiate out of your pores and you (along with your whispering eye) will smell like McDicks. And trust me, nothing spells fat sloth chick like reeking of chicken McNuggets. 


My name is Jessica Niles and I am from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.  Not the obesity capital of the world but trust me, there are enough chunkers here to keep Cinnabon going strong.

Me, Jessica, in the middle, always the fat friend.  236 pounds.
Need I say more?

62 pounds later.  Hotness in the making.
As my friend Cathie from kickboxing would say,
"Rome wasn't built in a day".

According to the Body Mass Index I am 1 point away from being a "normal weight" however I still consider myself overweight. I was one of those fat chicks with a "pretty face". You know exactly what I'm talking about because chances are, you are one too! I have lost 62 pounds, 46 inches and have gone from a size 20 to a size 10.  I weigh 174 pounds. My ideal goal weight is 150 pounds.  If you do your fucking math you will see that I need to lose 24 more pounds to get there. 


I am here for you to join me on this last leg of my getting skinny journey and for those of you who are ready I would like to help you on yours.  I REALLY WANT TO HELP YOU, however, one important factor, you absolutely must be ready to do what it takes.  No fucking excuses.


I will be sharing tons of exercise/food tips, stories, recipes etc. that have helped me thus far and will continue to bring you and me success. I know everything and anything you need to know about losing weight as it has been, like for most fat people, a constant struggle (some may call it an obsession) for my entire life. Now one last thing...

Consider this your warning. I will not hold back the truth or sugar coat anything for you as I am not your fucking momma and do not care if you are mad at me.  I am mean and blunt and I like making fun of fat people. I enjoy swearing.  Some may find me offensive. I am the Gordon Ramsey of my trade if you will.  Just call me Chef.  Lets begin, shall we?